On returning from the water..

A poem

Koh Lanta Island, Thailand, sunset, Jan 2025

On returning

a part of me

remains at sea

communing

in the warm waters of my mother’s final resting place

a part of me

finds cold, solid ground

indoor life in English winter

confusing, unnatural

yet

on returning

there is a positive shift

like the upright crescent of the moon here

I found lying on her back there

the once turbulent waters have settled inside me

with all my grief-tending at the Thai shoreline

first, in tears of rage

then, in ecstasy of liberation

finally

in peace, acceptance free floating on the tides

as if in the womb again

all the encounters and stories shared

have healed something in the core of me

mother wound has become

mother portal

I have stopped fighting ghosts

laid to rest a cluster of regrets

I feel held in my family once more

Daughter, husband, son

who walked alongside me, in tenderness there

I know I am loved and treasured

and although the curriculum of loss apon loss is life-long

I am no longer asking

why

why she left when she did

I now know it wasn’t because of me

she was part of a much larger exodus

I felt them all

shoals

souls

and they taught me, quietly, wordlessly

on returning

I go to Seaford beach in the thrashing winter wind

cradle my flask of hot tea

watch muted bronze glare of sunset

thought streams opening anew

my notebook hungry, alert

I do not yet have the words to share

what will be created next

when Spring breaks

ideas are fermenting

I am trusting

I am chrysalis

All I know is

there is only this moment

and to start from here

is to meet the world anew

and yes, to meet a world in such struggle

dying, trying to rebirth itself

on returning

a storm of change across the Pacific

toxic demagoguery

the violent beginning of an end

fires scorching coastal lands

echo of tsunami with the shock

of sudden loss

of land, of dreams, of freedoms

of the marginalised pushed over the edges of the page

we watched Casablanca on the sofa

America and Europe’s famous love story

at the closing credits my love said

‘I guess it’s the end of an era’

on returning

there is still genocide, femicide, war

still too many struggling

just to open the door

just to face

the precarity of this world

so I ask myself

how to bring fierce love, unity, compassionate resistance

in these times

in what form

which words, which actions to choose?

change is the only constant

as I emerge from hibernation and our days lengthen

my estrogen levels will rise

these flat waters within will ebb and flow

my fire will return, it will be needed

our fire will return, it will be needed

for all that is unfolding

but for now I’m still

returning from the water

embracing the slow

it’s all this wintering body will allow

as the Sufis say

patience is bitter but it’s fruit is sweet

there are snowdrops in the freezing carpet of the valley floor

hope in miniature

the morning is bright

it is calling me

so I rise to meet it

and we walk together

into the unknown.

Thankyou to all those who helped make our trip possible by supporting our fundraiser. See my previous post ‘Gold on the Water’ for a glimpse of our experience in Thailand on the 20th Anniversary of the Tsunami and my mother’s death. To support my subsequent book and audio projects, please consider becoming a subscriber below. Paid subscribers receive my podcast, writing prompts and advance access to upcoming live events.